The Way I See It...

Today I was having a “poor me” day…I have a lot going on and have been feeling like I just can’t measure up to what everyone is expecting of me. 

I was feeling like an awful girlfriend. He takes the LSATs this week, his grandma just passed away and I had a wedding the day of the funeral, I didn’t bake everything for his birthday and carne asada turned into pizza by his mom. I feel like I’m not skinny enough or pretty enough despite his constant, “you are beautiful and gorgeous and I can’t wait to make you my wife” remarks.

I was feeling like an awful employer. I hurried yesterday and a combination of emotions and little things adding up led to a mellow conversation and going back and fixing a few things. It really wasn’t that big of a deal but in my head right now…it was catastrophic. I’m such a girl.

I was feeling like an awful photographer. My second posted photos and hers got more comments than mine. Again, I’m such a girl. 

I was feeling like an awful friend. I don’t even remember the last time I sat with a friend over coffee or dinner and just chatted. I seriously don’t.

I have been on the verge of tears all day. Like full blown breaking point. All these little things have added up and I was having a poor me day. Why can’t I be skinny enough, why can’t I be a better nanny, why am I such a crappy friend, why am I not getting a ton of photography jobs…this and many more questions were flooding my mind.

I grabbed my Bible to do my devotions. I am in Psalms right now and started reading Psalm 69:

“Save me O God! For the waters have come up to my neck, I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing. I have come into deep waters where the floods overflow me.”

I was saying “Preach it, David!” I know that feeling and I am just exhausted. I kept reading…now David had it pretty bad. He had people hating him without a cause. That’s tough. He continues in verses 13 through 18:

“But as for me, my prayer is to You. O Lord, in the acceptable time; O God, in the multitude of Your mercy, Hear me in the truth of Your salvation. Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink; let me be delivered from those who hate me, and out of the deep waters. Let not the floodwater overflow me, nor let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut its mouth on me. Hear me, O Lord, for your lovingkindness is good; Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies. And do not hide Your face from Your servant, for I am in trouble; hear me speedily. Draw near to my sould, and redeem it; deliver me because of my enemies.”

Like I said, my little emotional insecurities doesn’t amount to David’s issues. but it was so encouraging to read that I am not the only person in history to feel this way. I was especially convicted with “in the acceptable time” part. This little season of feeling overwhelmed is just an opportunity to turn to Jesus and wait for His acceptable time. I need to remember during this time of insecurity that my security should not be found in the praises of man but in remembering that God made me…He made each cell of my body and hair on my head. He created a passion for photography and kids. He provided a job as a ministry. He blessed me with an understanding and mellow boyfriend. He blessed me even more with friends just as busy as I am and understand. He is where my security should rest.